A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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