Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
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If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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