I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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