I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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