I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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