Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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