My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
