i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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