I think I died a long time ago.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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