"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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