My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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