Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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