Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
