Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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