There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
