Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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