he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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