I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm having to shit out rocks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
