My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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