He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
