Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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