I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
