I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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