Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
