I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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