Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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