I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
