i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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