Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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