when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
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im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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