Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize