I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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