My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
