I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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