I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My bed smells like the plague
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
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