I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That accounts for only three of the penises
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
