I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
