Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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