Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Couch. On fire.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
