I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
