Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
