i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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