so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
