I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
