If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You ate ashes out of my bong
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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