____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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