Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
