this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED