Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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