he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
