I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
