If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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