i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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