I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
