Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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