i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
