she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
