you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
